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Alksne, Cynthia: She wanted some media respect, but she only got a pancake make-up job and a circus-like side ( freak ) show.
American People, The: They wanted truth in government from the Whitehouse, but all they got was more imaginative lies.
Arafat, Yasser: He got media photo opportunities with Bill Clinton and a personal airport for his state-sponsored terrorists. He didn't get his private estate in Jerusalem.
Baldwin, Alec: He wanted to enter the political mainstream, but only managed to make a fool out of himself on late night television!
Brown, Gerry: He got elected mayor of Oakland, but he wanted to be president of the international space station.
Buddhist Monks: They paid to hug some trees with Al Gore, and even got their money back.
Carville, James: He declared war on the Republican Ken Starr, but he surrendered to the Republican Mary Matalin!
Clinton, Bill: He got free oral sex for life and to be president of the United States ( but not for life ).
Conservatives: They wanted Bill Clinton exposed for what he was and thrown out of office. Instead, they got exposed to Clinton and their leaders had to leave office.
Daschle, Tom: He wanted to be Senate Majority Leader, but only got to go to Whitehouse obedience training with Buddy.
Dean, John: He finally found someone who would give him respect for being a dirty rat-fink. The problem was that it is the integrity-impared ultra left wing liberal news media who listen to him ( or like him ).
DNC: They wanted a Democrat controlled Whitehouse and both houses of Congress. They got one out of three.
Dole, Robert: He finally got to run for president, but he didn't even come close to winning.
Drudge, Matt: He wanted to become a popular internet gossip columnist. Instead, he helped advertise a morally bankrupt DNC ( no matter how negatively! )?
Epstein, Julian: He wanted a brain, but only got a bean bag ( he really needed a package of No-Doze ).
Flynt, Larry: He wanted some respect for his trashy pornographic magazine and his sleazy life, but he only got more ridicule and self-induced embarassment.
Gingrich, Newt: He got to be the Speaker of The House and helped elect a Republican majority in both houses of the Congress, but he also soon got his walking papers.
Glenn, John: He did get to return to space, but at the price of any respect or integrity that he may have had left after the Keating Five scandal.
Generation X: They wanted a president, they got a con-man.
Goldberg, Lucianne: She got free advertising, when she really needed to get a new life.
Gore, Al: He may finally be getting the DNC presidential nomination, but he had to sacrifice his honesty and integrity to get it.
Harkin, Tom: He wanted to exonerate his precious philanderer-in-chief, but he had to wade through the waist-high dung heap to do so.
Hubbell, Webster: He wanted to get the hook out of his mouth, but he swallowed it instead.
Hussein, Saddam: He wanted Kuwait but all he got was Tomahawk cruise missiles and laser guided bombs.
Indonesia: It got unparalelled access to American governmental contracts and money. See Lippo Group and Riady.
Kamber, Victor: He wanted Bill Clinton to get off scott-free and to get mainstream media recognition for himself. Well, one out of two ain't bad?
Kendall, David: He wanted to become mister warmth, but only got his ' Darth Vader ' helmet permanently attached to his body!
Klayman, Larry: He wanted to get to the bottom of the Clinton cronyism and corruption in Washington D.C., but he only got an endless parade of depositions.
Lewinsky, Monica: She became the highest paid prostitute in the history of the world's oldest profession?
Liberals: They wanted more government control of individual's private lives through new entitlement programs and spending, but they got a balanced budget and a Republican majority in both houses of the Congress instead.
Lindsey, Bruce: He wanted some of Bill Clinton's reject girlfriends, but only got subpoenas.
Lippo Group, The: They got lucrative United States government contracts that were in the past reserved for American entities. See ' Utah coal land annexed by Executive order '.
Livingston, Robert: He didn't get to be Speaker of The House, but he did get to resign from the House of Representitives.
Livingstone, Craig: He got an all expense paid trip to a Senate committee hearing and all the Whitehouse purchased pills he could pop. Oh yeah, and he also got all the FBI files wallpaper he could use!
Merletti, Lou: As director of the Secret Service, he couldn't turn them into the new Gestapo ( though he tried unsuccessfully to keep the agents from being compelled to testify in court, remaining about the law of the land ), but got a good cushy non-high-visibility-target-like security job working for the Cleveland Browns football team.
North Korea: They wanted nuclear weapons and to annex South Korea. Once again, one out of two ain't that bad?
Ossama Bin Laden: He wanted a quiet trip to the mountains, but got an Excedrin headache instead?
PLO, The: They wanted Palestinian statehood, but they only got a bunch of plastic American flags to wave and/or burn ( though that plastic stinks when it is burned, sort of mildly amusing and appropriate; don't you think? ). See ' Arafat ".
Quayle, Dan: He still wants to get the Republican nomination for president. Keep dreaming Dan, Mister Potato(e)head has a better chance than you do!
Red China: They got the missile technology they needed to keep up with the nuclear arms race and a market for their cheap slave labor made defective goods in the United States.
Reno, Janet: She got to keep her job as United States Attorney General. The problem is she had to attach strings to her arms and legs leading to the Oval Office, to keep it!
Riady, James: He got to be a high roller at the Whitehouse, after only being a low roller in Little Rock, Arkansas.
Riady, Mochtar: He got to send his son to Washington D.C. as an " exchange " student. The problem was that this exchange was deemed illegal by the Federal Election Commission ( but not the United States Department of Justice ).
Rivera, Geraldo: He got the final partisan Democrat minority exoneration of his precious first philanderer, Bill Clinton, but he still hasn't found his lost integrity yet ( not that he ever had any to lose, to begin with? ).
RNC: They wanted a Republican controlled Whitehouse and both houses of Congress. They got two out of three.
Rodham, Hillary: She wanted to be president and she got to be president.
Stafford, Brian: He had some quality time with Bill Clinton, and for his loyalty he got appointed director of the Secret Service.
Starr, Kenneth: He wanted to retire to a cushy job in California at Pepperdine University. The only problem is that nobody wants to hire Elmer Fudd.
Socialists: They wanted a medical plan of their very own, but they only got an education?
Tripp, Linda: She didn't have to lie for Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky. She got a make-over, but not a free Radio Shack cassette recorder.
Tyson, Mike: He got a get out of jail free card, but then lost it, when he wrote some broad's phone number on it and threw it away.
Unborn Fetus: It wanted to live, but it didn't even get a partial birth abortion bill passed ( thanks to Clinton and the Democrats ).
Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, The: Supposedly, they wanted Bill Clinton thrown out of office at any cost. They got shown for the non-existant entity they really were.
Walters, Barbara: She wanted the interview of the decade, but only got played like a fiddle ( or was it a player piano? ).
Wile E. Coyote: He wanted the roadrunner, but he got the Robert Byrd!
Xerox Corporation: Still researching how to copy Bill Clinton, but to make the copy look like Al Gore ( or was it the other way around? ).
Yeltsin, Boris: He got all the democracy for Russia, that dirty IMF money could buy.
Zeldin, Michael: He wanted more media exposure. He was exposed for the DNC hack he is, and was fit only for Groomaldo.
- Bongo ( Did I miss any or get one wrong? Let me know! )
Updated ( 3-9-99 )