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In the closing days of the 20th century, Washington DC plays host to the ultimate game show. Each week ( or on any occasion that Iraq refuses to allow UNSCOM to inspect a suspected weapons of mass destruction site ) a guest host presides over the festivities. A live studio audience watches, as a wheel with confirmed Iraqi targets is spun. Where it stops, is the next target of opportunity and the launch order is given automatically. Before the attack, both a studio audience and a home contestant get a chance to guess the target. While the attack is in progress, a the member of the studio audience gets to guess what weapon is being used in the attack, for an additional prize provided by one of the show sponsors. In the beginning, military experts said this compromised security, but humanitarians suggested it gave civilians a chance to escape the designated target area.
Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger, sitting still in the two makeup chairs, had to restrain their anxious anticipation as the host and assistant for todays broadcast of the number one rated television game show, ' The Iraqi Wheel of Misfortune '. " What do you think it's gonna' be today Kim, a baby formula factory or an oil field? ", Alec mused. " Oh, it doesn't really matter, honey. " Kim replied, and she added with a subdued smile on her face ( so as not to ruin her makeup ), " This is great chance for you to get some national exposure, before you announce that you are running for President ". Abruptly, the show producer, Harry Thomasson, poked his head in the door and personally delivered the ' two minutes to airtime ' warning.
Nazir Hamdoon, in New York, and Tariq Aziz, in Baghdad, both watched their television sets tentatively as they awaited the announcement of todays target. What would their beloved despot and indirect sponsor of the show, Saddam Hussein, think if he knew they had a wager on the location of the next randomly picked target? Little did they know that Saddam was busy, at the same time, stuffing a diplomatic pouch with postcards addressed to the television show mail in contest, in the hopes of being the next big winner ( he did have the inside track on the target locations after all; what he didn't know was that the CIA was using his cards to bolster it's target information )!
With a gleeful wave, guest master of ceremonies Alec Baldwin jogged to his position on stage, followed by Kim Bassinger flashing some leg in her ultra short mini-skirt. " Are you ready for some death and destruction? ", Alec rhetorically asked the studio audience, as Kim bent over in a bow in an attempt to show some makeup highlighted clevage. The audience roared, as the brightly lighted wheel covered with the days list of Iraqi target locations began to blink rhythmically!
Baldwin swiftly moved behind the main podium with an oversized replica of the old Whitehouse to the Kremlin hotline phone built into it. A red light was flashing on it, as Alec picked up the receiver. Holding it high, he said, " Today, one lucky member of the national viewing audience will have a chance to win a million dollars, so keep your postcards and letters coming! ". He added, " This weeks sponsor is Moktar Riady ".
Dick Morris and Bill Clinton sat together chuckling in the Whitehouse Oval Office watching a roll around stand mounted television, Dick behind the Presidential desk and Bill on a couch with a tall coffee table in front of it. Over the female giggling coming from under the coffee table and beneath the Presidential desk, Dick Morris said, " This chair is comfortable, do you think the American people would ever vote for a man like me? ". He shrugged, as a twinge of pleasure shot threw his body. " I guess they wouldn't... ", he said, not waiting for a reply from the President. Bill puffed deeply on his Cuban cigar.
Scott Ritter sat in the studio audience musing over what target he thought it would be for today, and hoped he would be the lucky member of the audience picked for a chance at winning or splitting the million dollar prize money. If he was picked as the contestant and guessed the target correctly, at the very least, he would be going home five hundred thousand dollars richer! He just couldn't make up his mind as to what target he would pick, if chosen. Should he pick a personal favorite or make a random guess?
Richard Butler, deposed head of UNSCOM, sat in his Sidney home living room, intently watching the global satellite broadcast of ' Iraqi Wheel of Misfortune '. He was still annoyed that he had been replaced by Barbara Streisand, as the leader of UNSCOM, but he understood the need to have a female celebrity for the international media to film approaching the suspected Iraqi weapons sites, to be possibly inspected. Barbara had been the first show assistant ( and official wheel spinner ), but her ratings had been so high, that the National Security Council pressured the United Nations to appoint her permanent head of the UNSCOM mission to Iraq. At first, he had thought the whole idea of the ' show ' had made a mockery of UNSCOM inspections, but when the international figures showing great global support of the attacks on Iraq came in, he realized that Hillary's idea was terrific!
Chelsea Clinton calmly watched her flat screen wall mounted high definition television in her Stanford dorm room, as she ditched her political science class to catch ' Iraqi Wheel of Misfortune '. She silently wondered if her postcard were picked and she had written the correct target on it, would she be disqualified for being related to her executive producer father?
Lanny Davis didn't have his television set on, but was busy filling out pre-addressed postcards with the target location ' Republican Guard ' on them. Evidently, Lanny thought he was stacking the deck against the Republicans?
Secretaries Albright and Cohen, eyed their Emmys and wondered how much their residual checks would be?
Back at the studio, Alec Baldwin dialed Saddam Hussein's private telephone number to give him one more chance to aviod an airstrike by okaying the rejected inspection of the day before. Saddam didn't answer the phone, but his person secretary, Kofi Annan, did answer ( Kofi had been replaced in the UN by Craig Livingstone, evidently the FBI files he had, covered world leaders as well as Washington types ). To Baldwin's inquiry, Kofi replied, " We will never give in to the Great Satan ". Baldwin couldn't see the laughing smile on Kofi's face, as this was a voice only connection. At the same time, Kim Bassinger was reaching in a hopper full of postcards, with her head turned toward the audience. She couldn't stop laughing, as she glanced at the name written on the postcard. " Well, what's so funny? " Alec joked, as he continued, " Who is our lucky television audience contestant for today ? ". Kim sung out, " It's Bill Gates and he has picked the Iraqi computer center in downtown Baghdad ". The audience roared with laughter and Alec Baldwin declared, " I hope Saddam has a laptop ".
Saddam Hussein, safe in his underground bunker built by the same company that had constructed the Fuhrer Bunker in Berlin, realizing that one of his postcards hadn't been picked, tried feverishly to dial the Washington DC based studio to okay yesterdays spoiled inspection, but only got a busy signal. Chelsea Clinton, still in her dorm room with the television set on, looked at her watch to see if she could still make that political science class. Nazir Hamdoon and Tariq Aziz both hoped the random wheel would land on a different target, so the grand prize money would roll over to next week, thus doubling the jackpot!.
With an arab tongue chortle, Alec Baldwin annouced, " It's time to see who the lucky studio audience contestant for today will be ". " The lucky contestant will feel his or her seat cushion vibrate ", he added, as the audience began to echo his chortle 'en mass!
A whitehaired lady with a large purse stood up more abruptly than her apparent age would allow and she began to wave her arms triumphantly. As she made her way to the contestant's podium on the stage, the live Marine Corps band played a stylized version of what seemed to be a cross between the ' Airforce Hymn ' and ' Hail to The Chief '. When she got to the podium, she ripped off what was actually a gray haired wig and revealed that she was Monica Lewinsky! Astonished and shocked, Alec Baldwin adlibbed, " what do you need such a large purse for? ". She reached into the purse and pulled out a beret and donned it. Then, with a deliberate pause, she reached in again. Quickly she pulled out and held high, a Radio Shack cassette recorder and exclaimed, " My friend Linda told me to carry this everywhere! ". The audience roared with laughter once again ( actually before the studio laughter cue light came on ).
Alec Baldwin walked over to Monica. Handing her the digital writing pad, he said, " Take a look at the targets on the wheel and write one down; if you pick the lucky winner, you could go home one million dollars richer ". As she turned her gaze to the big wheel of targets of opportunity, Alec added, " you have thirty seconds to make your choice ". He winked adding, " you can do that in thiry seconds, can't you? ". The audience again exploded, but this time with applause!
After writing something on it, Monica laid the pad upside down onto her podium table top. With a quip of, " get your laser designators ready ", Alec Baldwin gestured to Kim Bassinger, and she gave the big wheel a spin, with gusto!
With an audience chorus of, " Round and round she goes; where the bomb drops, nobody knows ", the wheel rotation began to slow. The audience groaned as they watched the wheel slowly go past the ' pick an additional target ' section. The people of Kurdish descent in the audience sighed with relief, as they watched a group of targets in Northern Iraq slowly go by the pointer of death. With an apelike, " oof oof oof ", from the studio audience; the wheel stopped at an aspirin factory near Al Kut. No payoff for Bill Gates, he didn't need the bucks anyhow. Scott Ritter thought that was a bogus choice and Saddam's main Baghdad palace would have been better.
Alec Baldwin turned smiling to Monica and directed her to reveal what she had written on the pad. It read, in big block letters, THE WHITEHOUSE. Alec, truely surprized, said, " That target wasn't on the list ". Monica replied, " Well it should have been! ". The audience went completely beserk with laughter and applause, drowning out anything else Alec Baldwin was trying to say!
As the crowd beginned to subdue itself a little bit, Alec Baldwin reminded her that she could still win the all expense paid trip to Beijing on Airforce One, by correctly picking the weapon type used in the attack; but she was too busy playing to the audience to notice, amidst cat calls and wolf whistles!
In Iraq, the people who could, fled the area. Those who didn't have transportation, braced for the imminent attack! Dick Morris and Bill Clinton didn't notice...
- Bongo ( The rewards of international crime and punishment? )
Updated ( 11-18-98 )