The Asian continent has always been shrouded in mystery to us, being an ocean away. Well, jet aircraft, satellite technology and the internet has changed all this. Not only can an Asian virus travel to America in less then twenty four hours on a commercial airliner, but a Red Chinese ICBM can drop a nuclear warhead at the corner of Hollywood and Vine with less than twenty four minutes warning! Maybe you feel safe if you live on the East coast right now, but you will be right in the crosshairs as soon as the People's Liberation Army phases in the missile technology they got from the Clinton administration for campaign cash. These guys are just not nice; remember Tiananmen Square? Well, Premier Zhu Rongji does. This is the ten year anniversary of the vicious crack-down that happened there and the fiftieth of communist rule in mainland China. Zhu recently said, " We must take the utmost precautions against sabotage by domestic and foreign hostile forces and combat them with all our might ", and " Still less should we use dictatorial means against the people ". Less huh? Whoa man, I wouldn't want to live over there ( unless I was a lousey commie rat, ofcourse )!

I keep thinking, why is North Korea digging those big underground installations? Look man, you bury things to protect them from something ( like the prying eyes of satellites, or ??? ). Are these constructions ICBM silos or large underground shelters? Are they afraid of us or other Asian communists?

What about Taiwan? Did they give enough to the Clinton/Gore campaign to insure the President would support them if Red China was to invade? Personally, I think Clinton would do nothing but try to talk, even if the continental United States was hit with a limited nuclear strike! So the big question is, do we honor our treaty with Taiwan, if the communists from the continent decide to invade the island militarily?

In a world where Bob Dole can't get a visa to enter Yugoslavia ( Do they still make Yugos there? Is that why they want Kosovo so bad? ), a terrorist with deadly chemical agents in his aftershave bottle safely tucked away in his suitcase, is welcomed into the United States, visa or no visa ( unless ofcourse, it's an official DNC VISA gold/platinum card; then he/she is escorted straight to the copy machine to get his citizenship papers... ). So pass the anthrax and wash it down with bottled water ( you wouldn't want to complicate matters with any accidental contamination ).

How about the old big brother is watching you Pentium III serial numbered computer chip? I just heard from some Intel execu-geek that the traceable serial number I.D. function could be turned on and off? Hey man, I wasn't born yesterday, okay. So keep your lousey chips with I.D. salsa, and I still may keep my Intel stock ( as long as it keeps going up and splitting every year ), but I'll buy a computer for myself with a main processor chip manufactured by some other company!

Hey man, you think it's safe out there? Try going to see those ' gorillas in the mist '; you get guerillas with machetes instead. Here are the latest official United States government TRAVEL WARNINGS: Afghanistan ( Mister Bin Laden will see you now. ), Albania ( Isn't this the real ' Wag The Dog ' movie villain country? ), Algeria, Angola ( Is this still the most used address in Soldier of Fortune Magazine? ), Bosnia-Herzegovina ( Can I get an interconnecting flight to Kosovo from here? ), Burundi, Central African Republic of Congo, Colombia ( Juan Valdez sent me, really, believe me...I always sweat like this. ), Democratic Republic of the Congo, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Iraq ( You especially don't want to wear your UNSCOM baseball hat. ), Iran ( Are they still looking for F-14 radar parts and Phoenix missile boxes? ), Lebanon ( Can we get there via Terrorist International airport in Gaza City? ), Liberia ( but you can take a cruise on a ship registered from there ), Libya ( Like they really needed to tell us this one? ), Montserrat, Nigeria, Pakistan ( but you can go to India? ), Rwanda ( yeah, right ), Serbia-Montenegro ( Don't forget your white hankerchief. ), Sierra Leone, Somalia ( it's never okay to re-open old wounds ), Sudan ( It could be a real headache ), Tajikistan, and Yemen. And if that list doesn't make you feel un-easy, here are the latest official U. S. government PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENTS ( with the dates they go (are) in effect ): The Comoros, Dec. 8, 1998-March 8, 1999; Chile, Dec. 17, 1998-March 21, 1999; Ecuador, Dec. 31, 1998-March 31, 1999; Egypt, Jan. 5-March 5, 1999; Indonesia, Jan. 22-April 22, 1999; Kenya, Dec. 18, 1998-March 17, 1999; Mexico, Dec. 4, 1998-Nov. 30, 1999; Nigeria, Feb. 17-March 10, 1999; Uganda, March 1-May 31, 1999; Uzbekistan, Feb. 16-March 16, 1999; Worldwide caution, Dec. 16, 1998-March 15, 1999, related to military strikes on Iraq; Worldwide caution, Dec. 24, 1998-March 18, 1999, following military strikes on Iraq and arrests in embassy bombings; Worldwide caution, Feb. 16-March 31, 1999, related to PKK leader Abdulla Ocalan's transfer to Turkey; Y2K worldwide notice, Jan. 29, 1999-March 1, 2000 and Zambia, March 2-June 1, 1999. How's that, huh? They wouldn't be issuing these warnings, if they thought it was going to be safe. The closer it gets to New Millennium Years Eve, look out!

Don't forget to bring lots of cash with you, when you leave the country ( or as the turn of the Millennium approaches ); as kidnappers and terrorists don't take traveller's checks or credit cards!

- Bongo ( Well, you were wrong, chop-suey breath! )